Letter Written to Terrance Kershaw

Letter to Terrance Kershaw

Terrance Kershaw, who has been a resident student at the Sonoma Mountain Zen Center located near Santa Rosa, California since 1995, submitted the following letter to Santa Rosa authorities following Christian Chambers' arrest on March 31. Kershaw received the letter the afternoon of March 30. Chambers arrived at the Zen Center later that day at approximately 10 p.m. According to Kershaw, in the course of their discussions he was able to convince Chambers to turn himself in.

March 23

Terry,

I'm coming to see you, after all these years of talking about it - so many letters, and now I'm coming to see you. Under any other circumstances this would be a joyous occasion - but not now! I'm writing you because I'm in serious trouble - and that's why I'm coming - not because I've quieted my mind, but because of just the opposite. I've ruined everything, everyone I care for, all my dreams! My only hope is that you'll be able to read this letter and see me through when I come. I'm completely adrift - I can't even gauge, any more, the effect these words will have on you, I don't even know what I'm writing, I've lost touch with all reality. And that's why I'm coming to you - please, Terrance - you need to help me out of this situation, this state of misery and wretchedness!

I killed him, the one I've told you about - my best friend! I can't even tell you why now. I can't believe this has happened to me - I was just so angry, and felt so betrayed, and I shot him dead. There was no forethought and the minute it was over I was weeping. I still can't believe he's gone! And it all seems to stupid now - the heat of the moment and I killed him dead just like he killed his sister dead, in the heat of one moment that stepped over some kind of boundary that keeps it all in check. I don't even know where to begin - he killed his sister and came to me for help, and he talked about our old idea of running away together, starting out a new life somewhere else, he said we had to do that, I guess kind of the same way I'm coming to you now. I agreed to help him - it was so awful! He stabbed her to death, there was blood everywhere, you can't imagine the gore and the thick smell of so much blood! We took her to the cemetery and laid her in a grave, we were going to cover her up, and then I said "come on" and that's when he betrayed me, he said NO and he was just going to carry on with his life, he wanted me to drive him to Memphis so the police wouldn't know he did it, and it was like some great rage descended on me and I don't know what happened! That was when I shot him - we fought and then I took out my gun and shot him, and now he's dead and I don't know whether I want to keep on running or just end it all right here!

I don't even know what I did after I shot him - I only know because of the newspaper - I guess I covered him up and got away but I don't remember any of it. It was all a desperate tragic blank. All I know is I woke up in the afternoon and remembered what had happened, and knew the police would be coming, and I don't know how but I've held it in so long. I finally had to run - run away from them and the way I've been hiding it -

I need you to tell me what I should do - I want to come stay with you, retreat, get rid of my mind, maybe they'll never find me there - I don't know any more, I just hope I get the strength to mail this letter and it finds you and you can tell me - you can find it within your compassion to help me!

Christian